The Real Story of Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs
by Telgan
Summary: Hello. My name is Snow White. You’ve probably heard of me. Well, let me tell you! Those stories are all wrong! Honestly! I mean, they got some of the facts right, but no one can seem to get it all right! Well, I guess I better tell you what really happe


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The _Real_ Story of Snow White

and the Seven Dwarfs

Hello. My name is Snow White. You've probably heard of me. Well, let me tell you! Those stories are _all_ wrong! Honestly! I mean, they got some of the facts right, but _no_ one can seem to get it _all_ right! Well, I guess I better tell you what _really_ happened.

* * * * * *

I was the twelfth child of a poor king and queen. ( I know, a poor king is unusual, but father made a bad investment and lost a lot of money, and he didn't want to overtax the people. I think that's _awfully_ decent, don't you?) All my sisters ran off to seek their fortunes and become scullery maids in a big castle or dragon's princesses. ( I really didn't see how that would help in the long run, so I didn't.) All my brothers went on quests to save fair damsels and one tried to solve the mystery of the Twelve Dancing Princesses, but that turned out bad and we don't talk about it.

So I stayed home with my parents, the few servants we did have, and my aunt. Aunt Harriet was my mother's twin sister. (Notice- my _Aunt_! Not a wicked stepmother. Have you ever noticed that they never mention my father, except to say that she married a witch?) She and mother were fraternal, and people always said Aunt Harriet was the beautiful one.

Well, about the time I was sixteen or seventeen my parents went on a vacation to France. (Note, poor kings are still rather rich compared to most people.) They put Aunt Harriet in charge of everything. Not two days after they left Aunt Harriet fired her personal servant, and made me do her duties! Now, don't think I was afraid to get dirty or anything. I helped the cook and gardener all the time! But the way she told me to do things just- Arrgg!! It made me so mad! Anyways, one day when I was making her bed, I heard her chanting something. You know of course what it was, don't you?

_"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?"_

Of course I was curious! So I peeked in, and I saw her looking in a mirror. Then I heard a voice say, "You _were_, but since you haven't asked me in a few months things have changed."

Well! That gave me a start till I realized it was the mirror talking.

"Don't sass me you old antique," my aunt snapped. "Who is it?"

"One of ebony black hair, ruby red lips, and snow white skin."

"Sure, now you talk in riddles! Thankfully, that's an easy one. The only one fitting that description is my niece, Snow White." (No duh! Notice the reference to "snow white skin.") Now how to get rid of her?"

"Well, the traditional way is to put her in a hundred year sleep," the mirror suggested.

"Sure! And then some prince can come and kiss her and wake her up. No than you. Besides, she's still alive then."

"True. But you'll be gone by then. Can you think of a better idea?"

"Of course I can! But I need time to think. Now go! You're annoying me," my Aunt replied.

After I heard that I hurried back into her bedroom and finished making her bed. Then I went out to the garden.

Boy was I surprised! My own Aunt, plotting against me, and just so she could be the most beautiful. Someone _really_ should deflate her ego! 

Well, next thing I knew she told me to go out for a carriage ride and to stop somewhere and pick some flowers for the dinner table. She sent the old gardener with me. I thought she was just trying to get me away so that she could set up something to get rid of me. Of course I said I'd go. That way, after I picked the flowers I'd go to my friend Ella's house to spend the next two weeks there until my parents got home instead of going back to the castle. ( I'm sure you've heard of Ella. Her step-sisters made her sleep in the cinders of the fire, and were horribly mean to her. But then there was something about a ball, and she married the prince, who, by the way is my 2nd cousin, and now they're living happily-ever-after. But that all happened after my story.) 

So I went for a carriage ride and it was wonderful! It almost made me forget about my problems. Well, when the carriage stopped at the meadow I remembered them all again, and so when I was picking the flowers I was so perplexed I didn't notice the gardener until he dropped the knife. I gave a little gasp it surprised me so! I turned around o see the gardener crying. He kept saying, "I can't do it! I just can't do it."

I really had no clue what he was talking about, I was too shaken up to be able to make sense of anything. So I asked him, "What is the matter dear old gardener? Why are you crying?"

"That old witch told me to kill you and give her your head, or she'd have mine," he replied.

"Old witch? What old witch? I didn't know there was any in the kingdom."

"That Aunt of yours. She's really actually ugly you know, she uses facial cream that really works to make her look young and beautiful. All the servants know she's evil, but your father and mother haven't a clue. Your mother thinks she just grew into her beauty. There was a period of about five years where they didn't see each other. And now she wants you dead and I can't do it, but I have to bring her your head or she'll kill me!" he said as he started sobbing anew.

"Wow! She has facial cream that really works?" I exclaimed, before turning to the situation at hand, stopping myself from wondering which bottle on her dresser she kept it in. "Dear, dear old gardener," I said. "You wont die, and I won't die. Just kill an pig and take it's heart. Then tell her you couldn't bear to take my head. It was just to ghastly."

He stopped sobbing as if something had just took all the breath out of him, and his face lit up in a brig grin and he said to me, "Princess, I do believe that is just the right idea!"

"Of course it is silly! I wouldn't tell you if it wasn't."

"But where will you go?"

"Oh, don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I'll just take a walk through the woods, and over to Ella's castle, which I planned to do anyway except with you driving."

"But I can't let you go through the forest alone! There's strange creatures in there! I'll just drive you over there and-"

"But what if someone saw you driving me over there? They'd certainly tell my aunt and we'd both be done for. It's best that you just go home and let me go through the woods. I'll be fine, I won't get lost, or hurt, or eaten, or anything else!"

I wasn't really as brave as I seemed , but it was the only thing I could think of. A few minutes later, I was waving goodbye to the gardener and walking towards the woods.

As I approached the forest, I felt apprehension, but that was replaced by relief as soon as I entered. I don't know what I was expecting, but maple trees, song birds, and bright sun shafts were definitely not it.

If figured if I headed west, with the sun shafts in my eyes, I would come out, more or less, at Ella's. So off I went.

But after an our or so, the sun shafts disappeared, and under the canopy of the trees, the forest grew dark. It seemed like dusk, even though, when I looked up, the sky was still bright. Well, I broke my first promise to the gardener by getting lost.

After another twenty minutes or so, I came upon a path. I had no idea where it lead, but it was well worn. I decided to follow it, hoping I would come out at a more friendly spot.

And wouldn't you know it? The moment I stepped from the woods to the path, I tripped on a root and sprained my ankle. An hour and a half in the woods, without so much as one scratch, and the moment I come to something that might help me, this happens. No walking for me. I broke my second promise.

Now, you won't blame me for breaking down and crying will you? Because that's what I did. (After all, I did pretty good up until then for a girl with a death warrant on her, and I couldn't help but wonder if I'd break my third promise.) I ended up crying my self to sleep.

This next part, I did not hear, but the dwarves have assured me that these were their precise words.

"What's this?"

"I do think you mean, 'Who's this?'"

"Who's who?"

"Why Horton's of course! He heard them."

"We are not talking about Dr. Suess."

"Who are we talking about, then?"

"The who who's in the road."

"Who's what?"

"What?"

"Not what, who."

"What?"

"Never mind."

"I won't never mind! I want to know who is in the road!"

"I don't know."

"Isn't he shortstop?"

"No, he's third base."

"Who's third base?"

"No! Who is on first!"

It was during (and because of) this argument, that I woke up. The dwarfs were involved in a long discussion of baseball, and didn't notice me until I coughed.

"Excuse me," said I. "I don't mean to interrupt, but could you help me? I seem to have sprained my ankle."


End file.
